You know those infamous voicemails a la “Office Space,” “we’re gunna need you to come in …” Sometimes I wish jobs would call me on my days off, just to congratulate me on not working. “Hey, Jenny, we just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to come in today, and we hope you thoroughly enjoy every second that you’re not here.” I...
I decided, very early on, to just accept life unconditionally. I never expected...– Audrey Hepburn
I don’t really believe in regrets. All my experiences, even the ones that didn’t...– Gilmore Girls
I want a dog. I got a phone call today and was dangerously close to accepting a free, dangerously adorable kitten. But here’s my thing about cats. People say, you know, oh, cats are so much better than dogs because they’re not easy. You have to work for their affection. OK. My question is, who the hell are you dating where you require an additional amount of elusive affection-chasing...
There will never be another talent like Michael Jackson. Many people are saying...– Lenny Kravitz
Develop your eccentricities while you are young. That way, when you get old,...– David Ogilvy Consider it done.
Three things that have actually happened to me in the past two days at the summer job. 1. When removing extra plates from the table, I was told not to remove one of the plates because it was for his imaginary friend. This man was at least in his 40s. He was not kidding. 2. Gave man a water to go with his Jim Beam, assuming he will need it (spicy food). Man flips out and takes offense that I...
kristenshaw: RT @mswhite2 Chick-fil-A is giving away free meals on July 10. Catch: you have to dress up like a cow. http://tinyurl.com/lpv9lr Have a feeling I could get Ginny to do this with me
Just blasted “I Want You Back” by Jackson 5 and danced around room. Who needs cardio on a boring treadmill? Be inventive, people!
My new obsession is Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons. Can’t explain.
Love much. Earth has enough of bitter in it.– Ella Wheeler Wilcox
Jon & Kate + 8 = 10 Jon - Kate + 8 = 9 = :( I got a B in AP Calculus so this is pretty valid.
The only rule is don’t be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too...– Paris Hilton
Sitting at Milwaukee airport. So much less irritability than Hartsfield. Think I detect saxophonic version of “A Whole New World” playing over the speakers. Who could complain?
The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life...– Erma Bombeck
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.– Confucius
here are some haikus i wrote while irritable at the airport nine dollar sandwich gossip in the magazines money making fiend! iran buzz in air news wants travelers to care i just want to fly high socks and sandals tweety bird oversized shirt judging everyone.
Been at airport for four hours now. Thoughts: Emergency defibrillators in between the MOVING sidewalks between concourses? Only in America Boy on a leash shaped as a monkey’s tail, pulled along by mother? This is birth control enough for me Seattle’s Best Coffee and not a single Starbucks in sight? Ugh Also, I introduced imdb.com to someone today. this woman was trying to think of...
Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle...– Brian Celio
The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets...– Meredith Grey | Grey’s Anatomy
Every time Ginny and I hear this song we get...
If you can hear this song and not have your own...
Uptown girl She’s been living in her uptown world I bet she’s never had a backstreet guy I bet her momma never told her why I’m gonna try for an uptown girl She’s been living in her white bread world As long as anyone with hot blood can And now she’s looking for a downtown man That’s what I am And when she knows what She wants from her type And...
Sometimes your best investments are the ones you don’t make.– Donald Trump
I swear one day when I am rich and famous and on top, the people who left me zero tips will be in a position where they desperately need me, and I am going to smile and tell them kindly, NOPE. NOW YOU WISH YOU WOULD’VE TIPPED.
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to...– Jack Kerouac
Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of...– Paul Johannes Tillich
If cheese ends up getting seriously recalled I will have nothing to eat.
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you...– Eleanor Roosevelt
They say you shouldn’t mix business with pleasure. Really. Well then...– Andy, “The Office,” on dating co-workers
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself...– Chelsea Handler
As long as there is a story to be told, an injustice to be exposed, a mystery to...– Barbara Ehrenreich to the UC Berkeley Graduate School of Journalism 2009 graduates - “Welcome to a dying industry, journalism grads”
Woman: I went to the doctor and he told me I had the wrong kind of orgasm. Isaac: Really? The wrong kind? See, that’s weird. I’ve never had the wrong kind. Even my worst one was right on the money. - Woody Allen in “Manhattan,” my new favorite movie ever
Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you....– He’s Just Not That Into You